The decade that begins in the mid-forties and ends in the mid-fifties just may be the most crucial decade in a person's life, if that person is getting a late and disadvantaged start in life and has mental health and addiction issues. Or so I'm just beginning to realize.
I say this because I'm having a hell of a time controlling my obnoxious combative behavior. It seems all I see in the world around me, or more specifically the human social world around me, are injustices and obstacles and enemies. And my immediate response is to shoot off my mouth and get argumentative or retaliatory insulting, even in small matters where it's obvious that diplomacy would be much more appropriate. Example: a misunderstanding at McDonald's last night resulted in me receiving two medium fries instead of two large fries, which had to be rectified because I was delivering other people's food. Instead of apologizing and asking if I can just pay the difference and they drop another medium fries in the bag (three of those roughly equal two larges), I grew insulting and demanding — just like those entitled imbecile parents I had to deal with at the Moda Center during the Christian concerts and Disney on Ice shows!
Not only am I occasionally being an overbearing and dehumanizing customer, but I've quickly become a belligerent cyclist, of the stripe that slaps the hood of a car because it's parked in the middle of E. Burnside Street. Sure, asshole shouldn't be parked there, but that asshole can also run me down and road rage is a very real thing. Besides, I'm new to city cycling, so even though I'm confident I'm generally obeying traffic laws, being courteous to pedestrians, and signaling and all that good stuff, I'm also sure I'm committing some stupid blunders that motorists aren't screaming and waving their fists at me over. It's foolish, childish, and ultimately disgraceful, self-harming, and stupidly unnecessary. In fact, I find it kind of embarrassing, that I'm starting to behave like this; it's like I never left the streets, and that chip on my shoulder is growing even when there's no good reason for it to exist in the first place.
So, yeah, I need to deal with this, because if I don't I'll rapidly approach the point of no return, where it's too late to try to make significant self-bettering changes. Neuroplasticity can only be carry you so far, especially when approaching old age. So, I'm going to record some affirmations to have my phone play over my headset every half hour, just to remind me to pay attention to and take ownership over myself a little better, at least until it becomes instinctively habitual to do so. I don't want to end up like Fred Sanford.
