Another Frustrating Postmates Day

Oops! Some high school girl expressed interest in delivering for Postmates while I was picking up an order from Chipotle, so I decided I'd give her the URL to this blog ... lol only to realize I haven't really started talking too much about the experience. So, this post is for her:

I'm not sure I like doing this. Of course I'm saying this after having plodded through the daytime dunderheads, who always frustrate me. I don't know why people who pride themselves on having “real” jobs have such a difficult time giving me adequate instructions for dropping off their food. For example, earlier today I lost a delivery opportunity because some lady working for the Portland Bureau of Transportation left me stranded out in the elevator lobby of the floor because she neglected to consider all the doors were employee access only. This happens pretty often, to the point where I'm seriously considering not delivering so much as a bag of chips until 3:00 PM; it just costs me too much time trying to get a hold of these people to clarify muddy or lacking instructions whilst mousing my way through labyrinthine secure office buildings — which ultimately costs me money.

Evening deliveries aren't without their problems, though those consist mostly of rush hour traffic stress and increasingly early sunsets. I actually prefer the orders and the customers of the evening hours: the orders tend to be larger, and the customers either aren't nearly as distracted or stupid as the daytime office drones are. Also they tip considerably more; many who work downtown are sullen Washingtonians or surly Clackistanians — the sort who piss all over the Oregonlive news story comments with their tea-party Victims of Liberal Agendas sniveling — and these people hate working downtown and despise things like tipping. (In fact, I think I'll compare tips received from deliveries conducted before 3:30 PM and after, to see if the number match my impressions.) The other problem with evening deliveries is sunset; that's when I turn invisible and am closer to the time when people start driving under the influence.

Yeah, actually, I just want a fairly steady 30-somthing hours a week wage-slave job. At first I enjoyed delivering for Postmates; I felt free, and it was exciting to be on a bike for the first time in nearly half a lifetime. Remember, I had gone through multiple mainstream jobs in the service sector that almost completely soured me to the idea of returning to work altogether. I don't have a schedule with Postmates, nor do I have a dress code, and I can pick and choose the deliveries I want to go on. But, it's not reliable or consistent, the damn taxes are ridiculously high because of my tax status as a sole proprietorship small business, and because about 51% of my total income comes from tips I'm forced into the awkward position of having to dazzle dolts like I'm some kind of server.

I like riding my bike, but it's become too much of an irksome and dangerous chore trying to share the road with fools who don't know how to handle four-way intersections without traffic lights, or for that matter can't even signal half their turns — and even then they don't until they're right at the intersection. And, well, this bike does need a little help. (In fact, I'm pretty jealous of these goddamn zombie Morlocks [street druggies] and vapid-consumer Yuppie riding around on nice equipment they use only fractionally as much as I use mine!) So, as soon as I'm in that culinary program and afterward when I'm wage-slave employed again, I may not do this at all and instead focus on other avenues to alternative income. No, I'm not saying what they are, at least not until they start earning me steady income.

(I hope the girl doesn't read EVERYTHING I've written in this blog! It's had some starkly melodramatic moments.)

A Return to Hourly Wage Slavery

Well, hell. It's time to start looking for a part-time job. I've been delivering for Postmates for ... over three months now? and I'm not sure how I feel about it. The thirty-percent taxes, while accelerating my paying off of my defaulted student loans (sigh), are a bit high for a guy who still doesn't earn enough money to get out of subsidized housing — lol at least not unless I live in a tent or an RV, or something similarly homeless. Not only that, but just how feasible will it be for me to try to earn a living delivering food by bike during the wintry New Year doldrums? And what about my bursitis? It's quite possible that I may not be able to mount and dismount my bike, or ride it for any great distance, sometime within the next few years.

I'm not trying to talk myself out of or into anything. Service and food work is generally fraught with chaos, melodrama, agitation, indignity, and pain. But it pays more, is comparatively consistent and reliable, is generally conducted indoors, and doesn't put my life on the line by requiring me to share the road with dangerously inattentive and impatient dunderheads piloting world-devouring behemoths. And, well, as much as I tend to be critical of and dismissive of other people, it's nice sometimes to have co-workers to share some Canterbury Tales ribaldry with.

Yeah, I don't want to get some job wearing a damn polo shirt and a name tag, encouraging the infantilization of successful American consumers with my scripted dialog and sarcastic sycophancy. I also don't want to ride my bike surrounded by SUVs driven by imbeciles glued to their phones, eventually in ice and rain. I don't want to do anything, anything at all. I'm tired of life; I was tired of it decades ago, back when it was relatively cheap, beautiful, peaceful, and full of promise. All I see right now is repeated failures and persistent loneliness until my body falls apart on me — possibly fairly soon! — and I die, alone like an abandoned cat.

Hard for the Money

Gig work, such as the Postmates deliveries I'm currently doing, is a completely different animal to all the other denizens of the working world zoo I've encountered.

First of all, I'm self-employed (and a sole proprietor ... lol whatever exactly that means), so I'm paying more taxes. I won't have any actual numbers until February 2020 but my reading into the matter has led me to conclude that it'll amount to between twenty-five and thirty percent of my gross; as a wage laborer I would only pay about nineteen percent after the Earned Income Tax Credit, and by claiming three instead of two withholding deductions. I just recently talked to an IRS representative over the phone, and apparently I'm expected to file quarterly but ultimately what matters is that I have money set aside in a separate account at the end of the year — and that I make sure it's enough, as in probably around thirty-two percent of my gross. I don't drive, so I can't claim mileage for deduction purposes, which is unfortunate, but at the same time I'm not paying for gas and insurance, and maintenance and repairs are pretty cheap if I can keep my bike out of the shop.

From a straight fiscal perspective, that means if I want to earn the equivalent to say thirty weekly hours at minimum wage (soon to be $12.50/hour here in Portland), I'll need to gross about $550 hours a week, or about 105 deliveries (calculated at $5.25 average total per, including tip). No way in hell am I doing 17.5 deliveries a day (six days a week)! lol Least of all in the lean, brittly and blusterly cruel months of winter. At my most fit and motivated I'd do sixty deliveries a week, for $215 gross, or $925 monthly. The equivalent to twenty-one hours slinging Dippin Dots at Blazers games and concerts.

That's a lot of waiting around on call and a lot of weary miles ridden, a lot of maintenance and repairs, and a lot of exposure to the elements and to danger in traffic, for the pay ... but it's the trade-off I chose to make when I realized I wasn't cut out to slog through stadium customers. I set my own hours, don't have to wear a uniform or a smile — just look somewhat normal and keep the snarls tucked away inside — and there's no politics because there's no direct supervisor or any crew I'm a part of. I'm also not killing my legs and hips standing on that hard Moda Center concrete. But, I work harder for less money, am still lacking in career prestige in most circles, and that rotten King John is crawling up my bum! Also, I'm so autonomous, I feel about cut off from society as I did when I slept on loading docks and recycled for fast food and beer money; and so it's proving to be kind of tricky being responsible about my job.

I hardly even run into other delivery folk when I'm in Engage Number One! mode, so it's a strangely lonely existence as a member of working society. Which alienation is slightly exacerbated by the cold dismissal of many cashiers and servers, who probably rightly view me as a threat to their livelihood (not to mention I'm a lost opportunity for a tip). Not that I'm all about solidarity or community, but it's easier to feel accountable and like a contributor when you're unmistakably part of the working-world biomass instead of some shadow flitting in between the branches. So, just to give you an example, if I wanted to I could grab a six-pack of the Beast and crack one open in between deliveries in various parks ... maybe get lucky for a few weeks before I get into some asinine altercation or run down by a motorist because I'm drunk. At the very least, I wouldn't get fired that day.

Really, though, all I'm worried about is screwing up filing and paying my taxes, getting into a bad accident, or my bike getting trashed or stolen. I'll sort out the lifestyle conflicts eventually, and since the government's paying my rent I can even afford to get lazy about running deliveries whenever I feel stressed out or my leg joints get crabby on me (ugh! winter!). Besides, I haven't completely given up on wage slavery — I'm confident I'll have a steady part-time job by next summer. lol As in one that I'll keep.