Sometimes I just don't feel like doing this. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything. I suppose that nihilistic apathy is caused by depression, and by that I mean the clinical depression that is a legitimate and life-diminishing mental disorder not just “feeling blue”. Insofar as this blog is concerned, it's because I get tired of talking about how much of a failure or fool I am, how hopeless and pointless life seems, and how annoying or boring people and life are for me. I never felt like talking about my feelings or about the adversities of life is cathartic; in fact, I've generally only felt more distressed whenever I did. It also seems like a futile and impotent gesture to me, like a torrent of words as purposeful and effective as a stream running uphill into the sky.
It doesn't help that we got suddenly slammed by a very early and uncharacteristic arctic incursion, resulting in 30 mph winds in freezing temperatures. Where in hell does this stuff come from? I don't remember these kinds of weather patterns occurring when I was growing up here! Is global warming going to turn my normally mild and damp winters into beachfront property along the shores of Lake Cocytus? I suppose I'm just mad that I didn't prepare myself for this; I wasn't planning on truly cold weather until nearer the end of this month, by which time I would have finagled enough money to get long johns and a better sleeping bag and a tarp. Not only that, but even though there are blankets being collected and handed out, there's massive lines for them and they're all being distributed two miles away and at night when the wind chill drops the temperatures down into the low twenties! I think I will take whatever housing I can get, whenever my number comes up on the wait lists, even if said housing is a psychosis-driven and alcohol-fueled roach hotel poisoned by lead and asbestos.
Fuck this; I'll talk to y'all next week.