For a person whose personality can be described as sanguine and whose lifestyle has become frightfully sedentary and is often oriented to apathy I have a hard time waiting. It's been a week since I submitted my paperwork to HAP to review my eligibility to move into a subsidized housing unit, and I can tell a quiet storm of anxiety is percolating inside me. It's a matter of being torn between the tidal forces of hopeful expectation (I've caught myself engaging in interior decorating fantasies from time to time) and cynical realism (I refuse to consider myself anything but homeless until I sign my lease agreement and receive my keys). I've always been an eager anticipator who never quite mastered the detachment from desire necessary to avoid harboring high expectations of good fortune the moment my sails fill with a stray gust of hopefulness, despite my carefully crafted mantle of nihilistic pessimism and lassitude. Which means whenever I run into disappointment it falls on me as hard as a broken heart made out of cement.
The same thing goes with my role as Dave's “art manager”, which appellation I frankly find kind of embarrassing; it feels like bogus credentials, like I'm parading as a Caesar wearing thrift store bed sheets and plastic laurels. Well, I did build his online gallery and have helped him retrieve old paintings of his he thought lost forever to a shady character, and I'll be trying to promote his exhibit here at the Friendly as soon as he gets his new stuff finished and I can take pictures to preview what will be showcased ... and we work out the logistics of preparation. Hell, I may end up helping him sell one of his paintings before the show! He's one of my fellow derelicts who comes here to shower every day, though unlike me he has no desire to go domestic. Unfortunately for me and his aspirations, he's almost Luddite in his aversion to technology, so I doubt he'll ever get a cell phone. He also dislikes things like schedules, appointments, deadlines, and anything that asks anything more of him than an occasional happenstance Razz-Ber-Rita. Which means he's a pain in the ass, albeit a pain in the ass with considerable potential to become a Portland icon and a successful artist.
So, in short ... Dave, finish those damn paintings, make regular appearances at the Friendly so we can hash out an exhibit that will make a good impression on the liberal art elite of this city! And, HAP (I'm not calling you HomeForward ever)? Process my application, approve it, and get my ass indoors soon! As dismally comforting as lassitude can get, I'm not getting any younger and it would behoove me to put some kinematics back into my life. Hell, if all goes well and I play my cards right, getting into housing and helping Dave out can catalyze a significant improvement in my life. Even while I've been sitting on a loading dock drinking forties and playing City of Steam at the Friendly these past months, a swarm of creative ideas have been buzzing quietly in torpor in the back of my mind.
